From Russia with Love

Everyone say hi to Mascha. She's my classmate and the latest subject to have their brain picked in the name of uni assignments. She got her nips out for a concept that was delivered to my tutors and fellow class homies. What a hero.
If you think that internet dating is reserved for perverts, divorcees and lonely nerds still living at home watching Emmerdale with their mum every night, these days you're probably further from the truth than you'd realise. Internet dating is the hot thing dontcha know (as well as speed dating, traffic light dating, blind get the picture). Gone is the dorky stereotype that used to be associated with the world of cyber-loving and in it's place a hip new generation of wannabe daters, all out to get their kicks. Of course there are exceptions to this rule. You still get the odd weirdo, you also get the occasional billionaire, gorgeous, GSOH future wife/hubby. But these are few and far between, obviously. Even fewer and further between are people like Maria 'Mascha' Lapotchkina. The reason for this? Mascha's mother is hatching a plan to marry her daughter off to the man of her choice. What type of man I hear you ask. Well, having been brought up on the tale of how her mother, destined to marry an American millionaire, was left heartbroken when he died in a airplane crash, on a jet bound for Kazakstan where she was awaiting him so they could marry and live together, forever in the 'land of the free and home of the brave' (America to you and me), Ms. Lapotchkina is very certain about what kind of man her only daughter deserves. A rich one of course.
First of all though, let's start with a bit of background on Mascha. She arrived here from Russia, coming via Siberia, Kazakstan and Kaluga. A fruitful life already and that's just the first sentence. Raised in a house near Moscow with her Mother, alcoholic, womanizing Grandfather and hysterical Grandmother, Mascha was brought up economically and with no father figure to speak of, leaving her mother to do anything but rest on her laurels to make a future for herself and her daughter. And so growing up a great onus was always put on the importance of a girl (i.e. Mascha) finding herself a man to make things easier.
Mascha and her mother have a relationship that is reminiscent to that of the infamous aristocrats the Edith Bouvier Beales (of the Grey Gardens noteriety). And although they don't live in an abandoned mansion, dressing everyday in their finery whilst feasting on ice-cream and corned beef, surrounded by felines and raccoons; they very much rely on each other in a perverse kind of way. It's as though Ms. Lapotchkina wants the best for her daughter but is determined to do it in the most selfish of ways, as Mascha describes. 'It feels as though she doesn't 't have any respect for me to do this behind my back. She is trying to control my life, just like her own mother used to'.
For most, having to sum yourself up in a tiny box entitled 'About Me' in just under 150 words, all the while being witty yet informative, trying not to sound like the other 20 million people who have described how 'crazy' (like kooky, not psycho) and 'always up for a laugh' they are. Mascha's mum Anna slipped into the role of matchmaker with ease, however, and came up with a beautiful portrayal. Describing Mascha as a 'sensitive' and 'all-giving romantic', who enjoys 'theatre-going and long walks'. Perfect girl, right? Er, okay. And is this a fitting description of her beloved daughter? In short, no. Well maybe in her eyes this is what her daughter encompasses but we've both agreed (myself and Mascha) it was probably more to do with the fact that this kind of girl suits the kind of man Ms. Lapotchkina would like her daughter to meet. Anyway as a self confessed reveler in other peoples misery and a sadistical manipulator, Mascha can't be all of these things can she? Well don't get me wrong she doesn't come across as a psychopath or anything, but she certainly isn't the 'butter-wouldn't-melt' character her mother would have you believe. This girl parties at illegal raves, she dabbles in drugs (don't even ask her about the Boxing Day Acid Trip fiasco), she schemes to seduce men and leave them whimpering at her feet.
And how about the New Years resolution Mascha has made to find a girlfriend before the year is out? 'I'm sick of men' she clarifies 'they're all perverts, psycho's or megalomaniacs'. An 'interest' which until recently was carefully omitted from mother Lapotchkina. 'She's super religious' explains Mascha 'girls should only marry men in my mothers eyes and obviously a woman cannot provide for another woman as well as man can. But I mean has she even heard of Angelina Jolie?'
Although it seems for now Mascha's latest pursuit has put a stop to the search, or maybe it's just the fact that Ms. Lapotchkina realises her daughter is still young and has to get this 'fad out of her system'. So for now she has agreed to stop or at least put on hold the hunt for Mr Right (aka Mr Big Bucks). How long this will last? Who knows. I mean I hear that Internet Brides are making a comeback and are going to be big come 2011. Watch this space.


P.S The Pervy Girls would just like to clarify that we do not, will not, never have, never will condone any type of internet dating. It just ain't our style. But certain Ed's (aka tutors) got all offended so sacrifices of opinion had to be made on our part. Soz.

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